Joe Zahenshmin

Some worry about clashing colors. Joe needs to worry about matching colors.
Alias Joe Zahenshmin
Real Name Joe Zahenshmin
Species Coyote (reportedly)
Gender Male
Height 6'
Weight Inconsistent
Apparent Age Hard to say
Real Age 21
Birth Date 10/13/85
Marital Status Dating Forsythia
Personality Joe has a surprisingly pleasant view on life. If pleasant means a constant seething annoyance at all existence, and having had a restraining order filed against them by tact. He?s basically along for the ride on the express train to chaos known as life. And figures when so many obvious hints by the gods, including messages burnt into your toast, are guiding you to apparent destiny, might as well have fun with, and failing that make fun of the situation. He does however have an unfortunate for his life expectancy tendency to violently apply effort against things that want to destroy the world (its where he keeps all his stuff!) or the populous's brains (It's where he keeps all his brain stuff!). As opposed to letting the hero population deal with it while he stands back and enjoys the fireworks. Though he has his moments where he pulls that off. Willing to beat up augment orphans in self defense, yet also willing to take on killer alien spider things if they're screwing with peoples minds. Is this a good thing or bad thing?
Powers A baby portrait gone horribly wrong? How does one of those go horribly wrong anyway? The exact mechanics of it are unclear, and not like he?d remember anyway at that age if they provided diagrams on what happened but the results are obvious. Joe has been in a permanent state of dramatic shadowy figure lighting since he was a baby. However, this isn?t as cool as it sounds. As while Joe?s body is subject to always being obscured by the shadows, even if he were to say, land on the surface of the sun. His clothing and surroundings are still subject to more normal lighting physics. So no staying dramatic while wearing a Hawaiian shirt. That?s still strictly a dark Iguana gig. So he just lets it be what it is. A subject for ?uh, what the hell is up with that?? questions.
Weaknesses The downsides being he?s a super henchman, not a super villain. There?s only one of him, so no horde of other potential targets for others to go for. And Aside from his vast array of skills pushed up to a level of impressive competence, he?s lacking in the 'super powers' department, even if there are times he leans against the wall. And not being laser proof for some reason seems to qualify as a weakness to many. He also has a stubborn tendency to use the lowest tech or 'standard' methods available more than is practical. And his ridiculous and 'needles' annoyance with magic means he completely skips those skills unless all else fails VS magic. He also has trouble at times recalling everything he knows until right when its needed, defaulting towards street thug tendencies and skills.
Skills The combined skills and abilities of an incredible list of henchman and right hand underling types. SMT terrorists, Horde ninjas, space pirates, mystic cult troubleshooter, throw the switch Igor, loot carrier (more important than you'd think), an incidental perk of translation in order to understand those orders from passing space pirates and such, etc etc. All magnified by the inverse ninja law because there is only one of him. A vague explanation, but it?s a rather broad subject. Though some examples of its use would be traveling by ninja rooftop jumping like a horde ninja, going nuts with an assault rifle like the local terrorists, or pillaging right proper like a pirate.
Alignment Chaotic Indifferent (with moments of conscience)
Profession Self employed henching specialist / SSSS
Affiliation Arbitrary
Description The figure in front of you is wearing a simple if somewhat cliche outfit. A brown wide brimmed hat is in the sensible place, casting a shadow over his face leaving only a pair of goldish yellow eyes visible. A faded brown duster with downturned collar, seems to have fully functional buttons as its currently closed. Saving your brain time that would otherwise be spent registering what his shirt looks like. Though no getting out of noticing the fact his pants are black with convenient pockets. And those boots look quite capable of stomping on something hard along with the black shin and knee guards there for obvious reasons. Black leather gloves with black metal guards over the backs of the hand and rounded metal studs over the knuckles finish the job of giving you a hard time seeming what any tiny bit of him looks like as well.
Other Description The figure before you stands at 6 feet tall, his physique somewhere between athletic and imposing. His yellow eyes do their looking at stuff thing and... uh, Well the rest of his features are obscured by shadows. But while his head and such body parts are presenting difficulty in being observed properly his outfit has no such lack of proper lighting.
Starting from the feet up this guy is wearing sturdy brown combat boots and a pair of black pants of the variety with extra convenient pockets. Black Combination shin and knee guards that look ripped off from a certain funny hat wearing fighting competition hosting psycho do their job. He has a light gray long sleeved shirt with no real noteworthy features. A pair of black gloves with wrist guards and a pair of black arm guards take up more limb real estate. A black vest worn over his shirt has various pockets on the outside and inside keeping you from seeing whats in them by being shut and all that. On the accessory side of things a belt with his favored Tri-Optimum brand Talon M2A3 Pistols and ammo holding bits is worn in the usual spot, with a combat knife sheath at his back.
History Joe?s life was about as average as the next guys, with the various insane exceptions as the case always seems to be in this town. There were only three things his birth parents Mr. and Mrs. Zahinshmen did that would have any impact on the rest of his life. First, the convenient obvious thing being born is. Second, baby photo gone horribly wrong! Leaving him in his permanent shadowy state. And third, they ended up driving off a cliff. Thankfully, absentmindedly forgetting the baby at the diner worked out for the best. Being adopted in itself isn?t all that strange. Being adopted by a one legged ex-Nazi bastard by the name of Hans Zahenshmin (the spellings different sure, but not enough for it to matter, or even be noticed unless its pointed out like this) is.
From there on nothing much of note occurred until recently. Unless you count war stories from the other sides point of view in embarrassing for the teller detail being told to you at varying points in your life. Now Joe noticed the various mistakes and silliness from said stories, and he also realized that excessive amounts of stupid and obvious coincidence tends to happen for a reason where he lives. The fact his current job on infomercials didn?t seem any better than the obvious answer also might have had to do with his choice. To apply for a job at the, of course, conveniently just formed across the street from his apartment henchman company that seemed to have the right, or at least more sensible than usual idea. The fact the results from that decision up until now will be given in mildly excessive detail will help not only to fill in on how he got he many henchmanly skills, but increase the size of this so far vague section. Moving on?
With the obvious injury/fatality rate a horde of any given henchman, terrorists, angry horde of the undead, ect, compared to a few, or single opponents it was only a matter of time before someone got the hint. Uberhench Inc. was formed with the intent of training a small group of henchmen, each working alone or with other misc. goons, trained in as wide a variety of henchmanly tasks as unreasonably possible. As while it?s possible to train someone in the methods of your average terrorist and horde ninja, the whole shambling brain eaters and multi tentacled gestating in someone?s chest cavity variety of hordes are not. But this didn?t stop them from trying, resulting in the deaths of several extra cast members so unimportant, that their names will never be mentioned before skipping over such parts.
Luckily for Joe, this choice was made just before his group training with the zombies, which lead to the deaths of a few previous trainees because the undead just don?t work well with the living. Unfortunately however, the costs from the training previously mentioned victims did receive, along with Joe?s complete and successful training pushed the company over budget before even hiring out their only qualified employee. To try and solve this problem, 6 out of 7 of the company heads stabbed each other in the back literally, so as to have more money to cut and run with.
Random owner number 7 however, was violently shown the error of his ways by Local terrorist squad #12, 3, and 35. That, and because cheap and comparatively efficient competition is a bad thing. The rest of the employees were eaten by previously mentioned zombies and Aliens etc. Because the men?s room makes a lousy place to keep them. Bad to the fortunate, Joe was wearing black pants and a T-shirt that day and was hard to tell apart from the average terrorists, not to mention eating lunch at a kiwi-burger across town. More bad! Joe?s out of a job and only has job skills in infomercials and professional henching. Can you honestly say that given those choices, you wouldn?t pick the life of crime? Yes, I know it?s a trick question.
Major Events Took on Job to rob Ice cream truck. In the end the other heroic and villainous types took up a conversation and left. While Joe and Blue Blade partook in a street fight.

Quit his backstage for Infomercials and cookings shows job, got one at SSSS.

Accumulated over time various energy weapons and a soul slicing 'Reapers scythe', then never used them.

Finds himself dating Forsythia because apparently chicks apparently dig a man who just stands on the sidelines while they brawl with a hero. Repeat dates are cause of shock to many, Joe included.

Finds he really, really, really hates psionic spiders. And they they hate him too.
Misc Info / Links Times outbid in attempts to get a Black Mesa H.E.V suit for a sane price, 87.

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