Listen, dammit, I'm the mayor! Atomic Burger is safe, I swear!
| Alias | The Magnificent Linnard |
| Real Name | David Post |
| Species | Tiger |
| Gender | Male |
| Height | 7' 6" |
| Weight | 450 lbs. (more during the holidays) |
| Apparent Age | 32 |
| Real Age | 75 |
| Birth Date | June 6th, 1925 |
| Marital Status | Single |
| Personality | Linnard was the ever-standard Golden Age superhero. He'd stand tall for justice, fight for the underdog, and basically do all that Supermanish stuff. Now, he's a little bitter, a little old, and a little more drawn by The Drive Thru than The American Way. It's not bad, as far as he's concerned, since he enjoys himself. Just... don't tear up his restaurant, and don't ask for health food... |
| Powers | As a result of the same Super Kiwi Soldier treatment that made Captain Kiwi what he is today, Linnard was exceptionally strong, with a dramtically increased metabolism, an enhanced resistance to toxins and radiation, inhuman stamina, and a great winter fresh scent. Now, he's just as resistant to stuff as ever, but he's only kinda strong. And don't even ask about fast. (The deodorant implants failed years ago, too.) |
| Weaknesses | In the old days, not a fragging thing. These days, Linnard is hardly more powerful than your average big-heavy guy. A good hit will knock him over, he's not bullet proof, and he bleeds. Also, in all this time in the fast food world, he's developed a mite bit of a caffeine problem... and he's allergic to kiwis! |
| Skills | Linnard is a well-experienced superhero, and quite the cook. He's not unskilled with heavy weaponry, either, should the occasion call for it. |
| Alignment | Hero |
| Profession | Fast Food Chef/Ex-Retired Superhero |
| Affiliation | Kwijybo Superheroes Union (No Group Affiliation) |
| Description | Linnard, a decade or more ago, was a buff mother... tall, musclar, and more than a match for any villian. Nowadays, he's still huge, and he's still tall, but the mass comes less from the bulging bicepts that stir terror in villianous hearts, but more from a gut that stirs fear in the hearts of cardiologists everywhere. His stomach is massive -- 70 inches around, easily -- and is quite visible under the t-shirt that won't quite stay over it. His legs are treetrunks under blue sweatpants, just managing to hold him up without buckling into nothingness. He's happy this way, though after getting beaten senseless after coming out retirement, he'd love to get stronger again... if just for the women. *eyebrow waggle* |
| History | Just as World War II was venturing to a close, the US Government decided that one of the best ways to prevent the rise of an evil power was to create a soldier that was capable of handling more than the average grunt. If this all sounds familiar, it's probably because you've read The Captain Kiwi Story (Pengladium Press, $10.95, get it now!) once or twice. But Kiwi wasn't the only guy to come out of the program. Several other successful entrants left the program, but faded away, since there wasn't another major military event they were useful in (Kiwi always was a gloryhog). Linnard managed to get a position as a standing superhero in a city some distance from Supermegatopia, doing the same stuff that Kiwi was now doing with the Offenders but for much less glory (sensing a jealousy track building up here?). It could have gone on forever like that, especially with the slowed aging that the Super Kiwi Soldier Serum. Until... The Superhero Union is a powerful thing. Fighting crime without a license is far beyond evil, and very very punishable. So when someone's dues failed to show up on time... License suspended, Dave was left without many options, he went into old second hobby -- cooking. Someone had to compete with that upstart Kiwi Burger, didn't they? Years passed, and our man Linnard, well, he fell in love with Denise Steward, a fellow member of the Burger Bizness. It didn't last... one day, while working out the secret ingredient for PowerCola (in order to compete with another standard, KiwiCola), Denise had a bit of an accident, and was exposed to a vat of radioactive cola, producing The CaffoFoxie! She ran off to be a crime fighter, leaving the distraught burger chef to a few more years, alone and slightly greasy... Until that day, just a couple of years ago, when the mail finally delivered his dues to the union. Realizing the huge injustice they committed, the board immediately reinstated Linnard's license, and cleared him from paying dues for life. However, he's got this little quota thing to clear up, and he's in no condition anymore to fight street thugs, let alone a 75 Point Buck like Carrion or The Dark Iguana... What's a guy to do, anyway? |
| Major Events |
6-6-1925: Born in Delta Urked, Koyokoa 10-12-1945: Completed Super Kiwi Super Soldier Program 4-10-1972: Union license indefinetly suspended for practing Superheroism without a license 4-10-1973: Opens first ATOMIC BURGER in Koyokoa 7-4-1977: Meets Denise Steward at staff picnic 4-4-1981: Denise has accident with PowerCoke, becoming CaffoFoxie; leaves ATOMIC BURGER 3 weeks later 10-1-1987: First ATOMIC BURGER in Supermegatopia opens 10-5-1987: First ATOMIC BURGER in Supermegatopia closed after roach outbreak; reopens next year 5-5-1998: Kwijybo Superheroes Union receieves far far far late payment, restores Superheroing License, but requires near immediate resumption of superheroing duties 5-7-1998: Spends week in Kwijybo Medical Centre after receiving massive trauma during fight with Not All That Strong Guy And it goes from there... |
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